AVOID WEATHERPROOFING

The idea of weatherproofing as it pertains to peaceful living is a metaphor to explain one of our most neurotic, ungrateful tendencies. It comes from a friend of mind, Dr. George Pransky. Just as we can weatherproof a home for the winter by looking for cracks, leaks, and imperfections, we can also weatherproof our relationships, even our lives, by doing the very same thing. Essentially, weatherproofing means that you are on the careful lookout for what needs to be fixed or repaired. It's finding the cracks and flaws of life, and either trying to fix them, or at least point them out to others. Not only does this tendency alienate you from other people, it makes you feel bad, too. it encourages you to think about what's wrong with everything and everyone - what you don't like. So, rather than appreciating our relationships and our lives, weatherproofing encourages us to end up thinking that life isn't all it's cracked up to be. Nothing is ever good enough the way it is. In our relationships, weatherproofing typically plays itself like this.

You meet someone and all is well. You are attracted to his or her appearance, personality intellect, sense of humor, or some combination of these traits. Initially, you not only approve of your differences with this person, you actually appreciate them. You might even be attracted to the person, in part because of how different you are. You have different opinions, preferences, tastes, and priorities. After a while, however, you begin to notice little quirks about your new partner (or friend, teacher, whoever), that you feel could be improved upon. You bring it to their attention. You might say, "You know, you sure have a tendency to be late." Or, "I've noticed you don't read very much." The point is, you've begun what inevitably turns into a way of life - looking for and thinking about what you don't like about someone, or something that isn't quite right. Obviously, an occasional comment, constructive criticism, or helpful guidance isn't cause for alarm. 

I have to say, however, that in the course of working with hundreds of couples over the years, I've met very few people who didn't feel that they were weatherproofed at times by their partner. Occasional harmless comments have an insidious tendency to become a way of looking at life. When you are weatherproofing another human being, it says nothing about them - but it does define you as someone who needs to be critical. Whether you have a tendency to weatherproof your relationships, certain aspects of your life, or both, what you need to do is write off weatherproofing as a bad idea. As the habit creeps into your thinking, catch yourself and seal your lips. The less often you weatherproof your partner or your friends, the more you'll notice how super your life really is.

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This is an extract from the book: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.

BECOME AN ANTHROPOLOGIST

Anthropology is a science dealing with man and his origins. In this strategy, however, I'll conveniently redefine anthropology as "being interested, without judgment, in the way other people choose to live and behave." This strategy is geared toward developing your compassion, as well as a way of becoming more patient. Beyond that, however, being interested in the way other people act is a way of replacing judgments with loving-kindness. When you are genuinely curious about the way someone reacts or the way they feel about something, it's unlikely that you will also be annoyed. In this way, becoming an anthropologist is a way of becoming less frustrated by the actions of others. When someone acts in a way that seems strange to you, rather than reacting in your usual way, such as, "I can't believe they would do that," instead say something to yourself like "I see, that must be the way she sees things in her world. Very interesting." In order for this strategy to help you, you have to be genuine. There's a fine line between being "interested" and being arrogant, as if secretly you believe that your way is better. Recently I was at a local shopping mall with my six-year-old daughter. 

A group of punk rockers walked by with orange spiked hair and tattoos covering much of their bodies. My daughter immediately asked me, Daddy, why are they dressed up like that? Are they in costumes?" Years ago I would have felt very judgmental and frustrated about these young people as if their way was wrong and my more conservative way was right. I would have blurted out some judgmental explanation to my daughter and passed along to her my judgmental views. Pretending to be an anthropologist, however, has changed my perspective a great deal; it's made me softer. 

I said to my daughter, "I'm not really sure, but it's interesting how different we all are, isn't it?" She said, "Yeah, but I like my own hair." Rather than focusing on the behavior and continuing to give it energy, we both dropped it and continued to enjoy our time together. When you are interested in other perspectives, it doesn't imply, even slightly, that you're advocating it. I certainly wouldn't choose a punk rock lifestyle or suggest it to anyone else. At the same time, however, it's realty not my place to judge it either. One of the cardinal rules of joyful living is that judging others takes a great deal of energy and, without exception, pulls you away from where you want to be.

SPEND A MOMENT, EVERY DAY, THINKING OF SOMEONE TO LOVE

An excellent source of gratitude and inner peace is to spend a moment, every day, thinking of someone to love. Remember the old saying, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away?" The love equivalent might read, "Thinking of someone to love each day keeps your resentment away!" I started consciously choosing to think of people to love when I realized how often I could get caught up in thinking about the opposite - people who irritate me. My mind would focus on negative or strange behavior, and within seconds I was filled with negativity. Once I made  the conscious decision, however, to spend a moment each morning thinking of someone to love, my attention was redirected toward the positive, not only toward that one person, but in general throughout the day. I don't mean to suggest that I never get irritated anymore, but without question it happens much less frequently than it used to. 

I credit this exercise with much of my improvement. Every morning when I wake up, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. Then I ask myself the question, "Who shall I send love to today?" Instantly, a picture of someone will pop into my mind - a family member, a friend, someone I work with, a neighbor, someone from my past, even a stranger I may have seen on the street. 

To me, it doesn't really matter who it is because the idea is to gear my mind toward love. Once the person to whom I'm directing the love is clear, I simply wish them a day filled with love. I might say to myself something like, "I hope you have a wonderful day filled with loving kindness." When I'm finished, which is within seconds, I usually feel that my heart is ready to begin my day. In some mystical way that I can't explain, those few seconds stick with me for many hours. 

If you give this little exercise a try, I think you'll find that your day is a little more peaceful.

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***NB: This is an extract from the book- Don't sweat the small stuff.

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF BY RICHARD CARLSON

 

Often we allow ourselves to get all worked up about things that, upon 

closer examination, aren't really that big a deal. 

We focus on little 

problems and concerns and blow them way out of proportion. 

A stranger, for example, might cut in front of us in traffic. Rather than let it 

go, and go on with our day, we convince ourselves that we are justified in our anger. 

We play out an imaginary confrontation in our mind. Many of us might even tell someone else about the incident later on rather 

than simply let it go. 

Why not instead simply allow the driver to have his accident somewhere else? 

Try to have compassion for the person and remember how painful it 

is to be in such an enormous hurry. This way, we can maintain our own 

sense of well-being and avoid taking other people's problems personally. 

There are many similar, "small stuff" examples that occur every day in 

our lives. Whether we had to wait in line, listen to unfair criticism, 

or do the lion's share of the work, it pays enormous dividends if we 

learn not to worry about little things. 

So many people spend so much of their life energy "sweating the small 

stuff" that they completely lose touch with the magic and beauty of 

life. When you commit to working toward this goal you will find that 

you will have far more energy to be kinder and gentler.

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This book is from the book; Don't sweat the small stuff by Richard Carlson.