Let me share my brother’s story. It’s a bit long, so I apologize in advance.
When he was 20, he impregnated his former girlfriend. Or so we thought. I was still in high school at the time and some of the kids in school asked me if I knew about the “scandal/love triangle” between my brother, his gf, and some other dude. I didn’t know of the scandal, but I told my brother to get a paternity test. He didn’t, and he grew very upset when I pushed the matter. My mother shushed me as well. No one wanted to hear it, so I dropped it.
Four years later, my brother and the former girlfriend went to court over custody of my nephew. The former gf was clearly losing the fight and used the only card she had left: that my brother was not the dad.
My brother was crushed, to say the least. We all were. But we, brother included, quickly recovered and fought for my nephew. It didn’t matter to any of us that he wasn’t biologically ours. He was still ours. In the end, my brother was awarded primary custody, as the parent who provided insurance and stability for my nephew. My nephew loved my brother and we were so relieved. My brother was that little boy’s rock and vice versa.
Fast forward 9 more years: my nephew is 13 now. My brother is 33. He has worked tirelessly in a job he hates because it provides for his son. He forewent college, could not sign up for any branch of the military, nor travel because it would have taken him from his son. My brother has dated several women over the years and none have worked out for various reasons, but mostly because my brother comes with baggage. Not my nephew, per se, but my nephew’s mother. She is manipulative, difficult, spoiled (by her wealthy grandparents), and many other similar words but I’m sure you get the picture. My nephew’s mom badmouths my brother frequently in front of my nephew. She also badmouths anyone my brother dates, and my nephew has become as moody as his mother because he has heard things that no child should ever hear about his father. He openly dislikes anyone my brother dates. He has been brainwashed by his mother to think the way she does.
To make it worse, my brother pursued an opportunity to buy a fixer upper home and flip it for profit so he could buy a better home with property for himself and his son. But, unbeknownst to my family, in order to fix up the home, my brother wasn’t spending the time with my nephew that he should have been as the parent with primary custody. So now, my nephew’s mom has more than a year of documentation to prove that she has been the one taking care of my nephew every day and is petitioning for a change in custody status and back child support. My brother will have to pay $500 per month (or possibly more) until my nephew is 18 (or I think 23 if going to college, which my nephew will undoubtedly do).
My brother has made many, many sacrifices to remain the father of my nephew, regardless of DNA. But his life has been hell because of it. We love my nephew, he is one of the family. But it’s been really, really hard on my brother. And my brother will have to continue putting up with my nephew’s mom for the rest of his life. I know he loves his son, but I can tell the bond they once shared is strained. My brother’s ex has effectively turned my nephew against my brother.
My brother wants a life. He wants to move on, find love, have children of his own, and a home. But being a young single dad who has to coparent with a difficult ex, it has literally monopolized his life and severely limited my brother’s life choices.
He loves his son, yes. But sometimes, when his ex and his son are making life especially hard for him, I think he wishes he would have walked away when he had the chance.
Every case is different. I personally couldn’t walk away from a child I’d raised for 6 years. But really look at your situation and ask yourself what is best in the long run. I know you love that child. But can you coparent amicably with her mother? Because you may have a potentially hellacious and long road ahead if you choose to remain a part of that little girl’s life
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